Social Anxiety

An anxiety disorder is a hard thing to hide. Your legs are always shaking, your hands are always vibrating, you can feel people seeing the sweat on your face. You have this pit in your stomach, and it's on fire. This fire burns intensely throughout your day, burning you up from the inside. You always feel peoples eyes directed at you, and that fuels the fire.

My experiences with social anxiety had gone unnoticed until my freshman year in high school. I had been getting really sick throughout the first few weeks of school, and I was staying home a lot; sometimes for whole weeks at a time. My mother had decided that I needed help. We ended up going to a doctor's office in an another town, and we were told to see a therapist. There was a CHR in our town, and we got a therapist. In February of this year (I'm still a Freshman btw), we went to see a psychiatrist, and I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and ADD. I had then started taking Prozac, which was not working as well as it should have, so I was prescribed a stronger drug, Conserta, which is like Ritalin or Adderall. This stuff helped a lot, and still does. I still get anxious feelings, I still get depressed sometimes, but it is better. I'm waking up and I'm active. Life is better.

But back to the whole anxiety debacle, it has really taken away a lot of experiences that I could have, if only I wouldn't prohibit myself. I could go up and present my PowerPoint, but what if my legs fail and I embarrass myself?

I have overcome this. There was a bullying assembly one day, and, against my anxiety's will, I stood up, and spoke. I was in line to speak. Thinking of what I had to say. I could barely breathe, there was white hot magma rolling in my stomach, my legs felt like jelly. By the time I went up, I stood there for a few seconds, staring at their faces. Hundreds of faces. Friends, enemies, teachers, people I didn't even know. And so I told them my story. The depression. The anxiety. And I let a few other details loose. It was the most torturous five minutes of my life. 

People started clapping like crazy. People were whistling, wooping, saying "YOU GOT BALLS KID!" People were applauding me more than some of the others. This was a moment hat I had realized that if I can do this, in front of 250 people, what excuse do I have?

So I present anything I'm allowed to. I still get a jittery, anxious feeling, but it all pays off in the end. Because in the end, it's done. Nothing less, nothing more.

Be the best you can be. Because that is the only way to get through life. Doing the best you can.

~RJ