My Funeral

Recently I've been thinking about what would happen when I died. It isn't a suicidal thing, it's more of a "I wonder what my future will be like," and the subject of my death cropped up. I read somewhere that writing your own obituary can actually help lift your self esteem. 

So...I guess that is what I'll do? This blog post will be my obituary. 

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APRIL 20, 2095

OBITUARY

RJ PETERSON

by Nicolas C Walken

RJ Peterson, renowned author of five New New York Times Bestsellers, his most popular being "The Unknown" and "Tantum," passed away last Friday from natural causes at the age of 96. 

A Language Arts teacher for 50 years, Peterson was revered for teaching antique classics from 150 years ago, such as The Catcher in the Rye, and 'Salem's Lot to his students, instead of other, more modern classics such as The Hunger Games or Divergent, which were written nearly a hundred years ago. In the last ten years of his teaching career before retired at the age of 76, he did something especially daring. He decided that he would not have a 150-year limit. He taught Hamlet by William Shakespeare, a story written almost 500 years before he taught it. 

He is survived by his sons and daughter, Peter V, Luke, and Leia, and his grandsons, Peter VI and Dom. 

Peterson will be remembered by many, his iconic novels as classic as Hamlet itself.

RJ Peterson

1999-2095

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So that is my obituary. 

I also thought about what my funeral would be like, hence the name of this blogpost. I kind of have a playlist for was music should be played. "Hide and Seek" by Imogen Heap will be the song playing as my eulogy is spoken. "Just Breathe" by Pearl Jam is the song that will play as I am lowered into the ground, as a sort of somber/happy ending.

That's that I suppose.

~RJ

Late Night Contemplation

Tonight is one of the many nights I have had to endure where I just cannot sleep. I lie awake with so many thoughts running through my head. Existential inquiries, what ifs, and hows. 

What I would give to be outside right now. Strange thing to hear from a blogger. Strange thing to hear from me. I spend my free time playing Warframe on Steam, watching Star Trek and blogging. That is done during the day. This is midnight. When our side of the Earth is darker and colder than during the day. 

I would love to take a walk right about now. No people around, just sweet solitude. I can imagine myself being able to see the moths flying around the dim streetlamps, the darkness within the windows of the neighborhood houses, and knowing the people inside them are asleep. It's more peaceful.

If only I could.

~RJ

Social Anxiety

An anxiety disorder is a hard thing to hide. Your legs are always shaking, your hands are always vibrating, you can feel people seeing the sweat on your face. You have this pit in your stomach, and it's on fire. This fire burns intensely throughout your day, burning you up from the inside. You always feel peoples eyes directed at you, and that fuels the fire.

My experiences with social anxiety had gone unnoticed until my freshman year in high school. I had been getting really sick throughout the first few weeks of school, and I was staying home a lot; sometimes for whole weeks at a time. My mother had decided that I needed help. We ended up going to a doctor's office in an another town, and we were told to see a therapist. There was a CHR in our town, and we got a therapist. In February of this year (I'm still a Freshman btw), we went to see a psychiatrist, and I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and ADD. I had then started taking Prozac, which was not working as well as it should have, so I was prescribed a stronger drug, Conserta, which is like Ritalin or Adderall. This stuff helped a lot, and still does. I still get anxious feelings, I still get depressed sometimes, but it is better. I'm waking up and I'm active. Life is better.

But back to the whole anxiety debacle, it has really taken away a lot of experiences that I could have, if only I wouldn't prohibit myself. I could go up and present my PowerPoint, but what if my legs fail and I embarrass myself?

I have overcome this. There was a bullying assembly one day, and, against my anxiety's will, I stood up, and spoke. I was in line to speak. Thinking of what I had to say. I could barely breathe, there was white hot magma rolling in my stomach, my legs felt like jelly. By the time I went up, I stood there for a few seconds, staring at their faces. Hundreds of faces. Friends, enemies, teachers, people I didn't even know. And so I told them my story. The depression. The anxiety. And I let a few other details loose. It was the most torturous five minutes of my life. 

People started clapping like crazy. People were whistling, wooping, saying "YOU GOT BALLS KID!" People were applauding me more than some of the others. This was a moment hat I had realized that if I can do this, in front of 250 people, what excuse do I have?

So I present anything I'm allowed to. I still get a jittery, anxious feeling, but it all pays off in the end. Because in the end, it's done. Nothing less, nothing more.

Be the best you can be. Because that is the only way to get through life. Doing the best you can.

~RJ

Good vs. Bad: An Excessively Deep Entry the Likes of Which This Blog Has Never Seen Before

The world is full of good and bad things. There are good effects, but then there are destructive side effects. But you know what there isn't? Good people and bad people. Too many people think in terms of black and white. Too many people believe that gray areas are non-existent. People say you're either male or female. Wrong. You could be both or neither. People say you're either a guy that likes girls or a girl that likes guys. You can be both or neither. This is the same with good and bad. Goodness and badness have huge gray areas. 

Many people are defined as good people, and many are defined as bad people. That is almost never true. Every single person in this world has done something bad and something good. Some people are meth addicts, but maybe they have donated hundreds to charity. Some people have killed other people, but have been a really good parent to their kids. Even Adolf Hitler, hated by most of the world, was good at painting. 

People need to realize that gray areas are everywhere. People need to realize that those gray areas must be respected and tolerated. If you've done something bad, and you're worried you'll get in trouble for it, try to look for the good in the situation. In almost any case, good is there.

Another thing is balance. Sometimes it isn't about gray areas. This doesn't necessarily mean the situation is black and white, it just means the gray areas aren't a contributing factor. Sometimes it is just up to a person trying to balance the good and the bad. Good is a lightweight and fragile thing, and bad is a heavy and titanium-strong thing. It is hard to balance these. Sometimes the bad weighs you down until you do lose balance, and the bad consumes you, and this fragile goodness cracks beneath it. But the good is still there. It's broken, but fixable. If you are able to push away the bad, you can take the good and bring it all back together.

That's my view anyway. See you later.

~RJ

A (Not) Brief Description of All of My Problems Which Will Probably Make Me Sound Like A Whiny Bitch and Make Me Lose Readers Why Am I Writing This Entry

Hello, my dear readers. This is my fourth entry to this blog and all I've really blogged about is how dissatisfying some forms of entertainment are (almost like this here blog)

Reading some other blogs, I've noticed a lot of people go into some detail about some of their problems and that it's kind of therapeutic? I guess that could be a thing. I guess I should start off with some of my brain things.

I have a whole party of disorders in my head. My brain is like mental disorder trail mix. Without M&Ms. There's a mix of depression, social anxiety, ADD, and some other motivational/focusing problems. So I'm taking a bunch of supplements and a couple prescription drugs. 

These are all basically hereditary, my mother is bipolar, depressed, and socially anxious and a bunch of things. My half brother has ADHD or ADD, I honestly can't remember. 

My father is religious. He has the average biased Christian views that follow that one line from Leviticus 20:13 that says gays aren't allowed, but doesn't know you can't mix fibers OR YOU'RE GOING TO HELL. So that's basically why I tell my dad nothing of my religious view or sexual preference. I've told my mom those things.

Speaking of which the conflict between me and my father is really only evident to me and my mother. My mother knows I'm an atheist, she knows I'm bisexual, but my father doesn't, and I don't plan on telling him. Don't get me wrong, I love my dad, it's just this one obstacle that kind of ruins it for me.

While we are on the subject of my parents, they divorced in 2010, which wrecked me emotionally. I'd randomly start crying in class, and I'd have to step outside the room. I'm quite sure that the divorce may have been a trigger for some or all of my mental problems. After the divorce, all my grades went to shit. I've been doing okay this year though.

I suppose this concludes my fourth blog entry. See you later, readers!

~RJ

Reasons Why Certain YouTube Gamers Are Better Than Others

Okay, to those of my readers (which at this point of my blog, must be very few) who watch YouTube gamers, may get offended by this, because you crazy people idolize your YouTubers.

One of the more popular gamers on the interwebs is PewDiePie. I used to watch PewDiePie, until I realized he screams like a five year old in games like Goat Simulator. There are also a lot of rape jokes. There is an overabundance of rape jokes in the majority of his videos, and most them aren't even jokes. Most of the time, something touches him and he  just yells "RAAAAAPE!"

Anything that uses rape for humor, in my opinion, is completely uncondonable. Rape is a serious problem, especially outside of America. Felix must know that rape happens all the time in pretty much every country, so obviously people will be offended?

In my opinion, probably the least offensive of all YouTube gamers is Tobuscus. His channel is completely kid-safe. He tries his very hardest to not swear in his videos, he doesn't make any offensive jokes, and overall, he's pretty funny to watch. Sure, he screams in his videos, but it's out of legitimate fear. He doesn't scream to be loud and obnoxious, plus, he has Vlogs and other things to entertain yourself with.

Markiplier is my personal favorite gamer. He is rational when is comes to kicking and screaming. A lot of the horror games he plays have a lot of jump scares, and he is legitimately fearful. He doesn't swear all too much; there's the occasional "god dammit" and a rare "f***" or two. He tries to say "fudge" instead of "f***" most of the time, but he slips up every once and a while. Oh, and sometimes he's drunk in his videos, especially in his Drunk Minecraft series. A lot of the time, after recording Drunk Minecraft, he plays a couple other games, like SCP Containment Breach.

Those are the main people that I watch, but tbere are infinitely many others. SkyDoesMinecraft, CRY, Smosh, TheAmazingAtheist did some gaming, FuriousPete has a gaming channel.

I may even start gaming myself. I think the game I'll play and upload would be SCP Containment Breach, because that game is really fun.

~RJ



  

Disney Sitcoms Have Ruined Everything Good About Television

Okay. There are a million reasons why Disney Channel made up a lot of my childhood, with everything from the Lilo and Stitch series, Recess, etc. etc. etc. But 2011 came along and introduced your average Disney sitcoms; a young female actress whose age ranges from 13 to 19,  a stereotypically "geeky" sidekick, a sidekick with the IQ of a dead goat, and a few others. 

There are plenty of bad toilet jokes, a surprising amount of them being bra jokes. Many of the lines are terrible puns, most of which don't make any sense. The actors are absolute crap, the writing is the same in every show. Every show has the same feel as each other. If you take two of the main characters from two different shows, you can literally have them switch places and it would not seem at all different. And that's probably because they are written by a small entertainment corporation you've never even heard of. 

The people "It's A Laugh Productions" have have no conception as to what a real sitcom is. First, you need actually good writing. Second, you need actually good comedy. Third, you need actually good actors. Fourth, you need actually good situations. I think you understand what I'm getting at here. None of the Disney sitcoms created by It's A Laugh include any of these, but include the opposite.

In much of the musical scenes, the lip syncing is atrocious, and terribly edited, causing the terrible lip-syncing to be terribly out of sync. 

Disney Channel just isn't even worth talking about, and that's why I just wrote a five paragraph about it.

~RJ


UPDATE: I just heard a transphobic joke on one of their sitcoms. Another reason why Disney sitcoms are terrible.